Okay, I’ll Admit…

I’ll keep it sweet and simple, for your sake and mine. Dating sucks! Yes, it can be fun and you’ll have funny memories to laugh with your friends about AFTER THE FACT!

But ultimately it seems like you are left with a hand full of let downs and possibly new triggers.

#Handlewithcaution

#treadlightly

#LITERALLY

Being a person that is extremely particular about a lot of things, it takes a lot for me to actually be interested and stay interested in someone. It definitely takes time but bay bay, when I’m there… I’m there. Even with my friends I would say I have deep connections with all of them (not my associates but my actual friends), to the point I consider them family. There is no in-between for me.

While it takes a moment for me to start caring for someone on that level nonetheless once I do my feelings are involved full throttle. The problem is, there are those individuals who do not know how or choose not to communicate because it makes them uncomfortable… or heck maybe they just don’t care to.

So when something changes on their end (their feelings, their outlook on you’alls situation) they just fall back and slowly disappear. #goghost.

Again it sucks but it happens to the best of us.

If this hasn’t happened to you. God bless you!

With time, life practice and overall growth as a person, I have become a fairly good communicator. I like to address issues sooner than later no matter how nervous they make me. Mostly because I know the alternative to this is to suppress it, possibly explode or continuously carry around unexpressed feelings. I know that if I don’t get it out, I will constantly think about it over and over again. When people decide to disappear the only options are the latter two.

So imagine how the magical act of guys going ghost affects/ed me. I hate it. Lol

After talking through my thoughts and feelings about my journey to a friend, I was given some good insight that I will leave you with.

Dating is not the same as being in a long-term relationship. Dating is the time frame in which you and the other person are getting to know each other –possibly going out to eat, going bowling, having a game night, going fishing ect.

During this period, two individuals are figuring out if they want to progress things into a long-term relationship.

And if we are being honest, he/she or both parties may be dating more than one person at a time being there is no commitment within the dating stage.

This must be kept in mind.

So if you are anything like the emotional zodiac sign of a cancer, this part is paramount. Again, dating is not the same as a long-term relationship. It is the transit ride to a long-term relationship and sometimes the transit runs out of gas before getting there. And sometimes, the tires go flat, or pop, or the engine blows- all kinds of crazy things. The point is, it’s important to approach dating as such…just dating. Therefore, it doesn’t feel like you are laying to rest your new puppy that somehow got ahold of chocolate every time the transit doesn’t make it to the “great destination.”

Talk to me in the comments below, I want to hear your thoughts. Until next time beautiful beings. –Courtney B.

City and state, please

As I write my post this week the question that comes to mind is “Where am I?”

Well at this very moment I am sitting smack dead (a little country slang for ya) in the middle of my two-piece sectional, somewhat crisscrossed except the bottom of my feet are flat against each other. To break it down even further, my couch is in my living room, my living room is in my apartment, my apartment is in Georgia, and Georgia is in the world so yeah, ya girl is HERE okay!

I am here!

That answer was fun to come up with and very much so literal, but seriously where am I? Mentally, non-physical.

I am in a place where I understand that there are two things that are impossible to co-exist: fear and faith. One is an emotion and the other is a belief.

Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.

Faith is defined as complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

So if we were to break this thing down (breaking it down) Fear is an emotion, an unpleasant one, and emotion is a natural instinctive state of mind originating from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others.

It’s safe to say, fear is normal! It’s an instinct that we all have to protect ourselves… but are we really protecting ourselves? OR hindering ourselves?

And Faith is a belief, having complete trust. Trust is a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

In summation faith starts off alone as a belief that everything is going to work out for the good.

Whereas fear starts off as an emotion caused by the belief that everything is going to work out for the worst.

Whewh! That was a brain full, but after breaking it down it allows you to put a magnifying glass up to a few things.

Why am I afraid to have that one conversation?

Why haven’t I started writing the book I want publish?

Why haven’t I drawn the logo for my brand?

Why haven’t I booked that photo shoot?

Why haven’t I taken the test?

Why haven’t I replied to that email… to that text?

Maybe… it’s fear that has put a hold on things for you. It had for me anyway. Anything that I was putting off until “later” ultimately was because I had made up in my mind that there was a very high chance the outcome would not be in my favor.

If I had thought otherwise… if I had thought there was no way on earth that I could fail, I would have done it already.

I have realized that I can control my fears or let them control me. First recognize that there is a fear and then face it head on… but the key is to switch that fear into faith. Fear is no more than a mental projection so throw positive energy towards whatever it is that you plan on overtaking. Continuously remind yourself that what is supposed to happen, will happen, and what isn’t, won’t.

Where am I?

I am in a place where I am rejecting all things, people and places that to not serve me well.

I have this theory that if one is not helping, they are hurting… or just taking up space which in the long run can slow me down.

My truth is, I want to be loved, I want to be thought about, I want to be desired, I want to go places and do things that feel good, I want to be useful and effective, and I want to continuously grow into a better version of myself.

The truth is none of these things will take place with the wrong people in the wrong places, doing the wrong things.

Taking an evaluation of the company I keep and the environment which I place myself has been key. The saying often holds true, “you are a product of your environment”.  Or the quote “Show me your friends, and I will show you your future” which is a biblical concept found in Proverbs 13:20 “Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble”.

It sounds so simple but the teaching is heavy as bricks.

One of the hardest things for us mere humans to do is remove people from our lives who have been there for a long time, but think about it like this… if you have been ineffective in each other’s lives for a long time you’ve also been taking up space for a long time too.

A way to assess an environment or a person is to see if they align with the desires you have for your life.

I want to be loved. Do they love me? Do I feel love when I am around them?

I want to be useful and effective. Am I effective in their life? How? What impact have I made? What changes have I seen?

I want to continuously grow into a better version of myself. Are they pushing me to better? Am I growing or being stagnant in their presence? What do our conversations sound like?

I want to do things and go places that feel good. But do these places compromise my growth? Do I retreat back to my old way when I go to these places?

These questions must be answered and then a decision must be made with actions that follow.

Where am I?

I am in a place where doing the ground work to remain in high spirits and keeping a healthy being is priority for me.

Ever since I was a young wart hog, I’ve availed myself of every word search and puzzle I could get my hands on. Anyone that knows me, knows I am an extroverted ball of energy.

I meet no strangers and I never stay in one place for too long. Activities such as reading a book or completing word searches disciplining myself to find the words in the order in which they are listed, help me to slow down. To be still, listen to my breath, and calm my mind gazing for two letters side by side.

When I wake in the morning often times I will go straight to the bathroom, brush my teeth and wash my face, return to my room opening the blinds, and then sitting in what yogis call sukhasana pose. Out loud I began to pray/give thanks for all of the things I am grateful for including that very moment to find stillness and appreciation at the same time. I then voice my intentions for the day and sometimes my expectations all while humbling myself in the end saying that if it not His will… for me to be okay with what is.

During the day, if I become flustered, irritated, or just bothered by thoughts running through my mind I release those thoughts.

I release by stating the things that are bothering me aloud and with complete honesty, baring no guilt because I am human and I am allowed to feel.

For an example: “I am annoyed, extremely annoyed because while I finally got my electric bill down this month, I accidently put my card number in and not my account number therefore the payment bounced and because it bounced I was charged an extra 30 dollars! Which defeats the point of me getting my electric bill down”

I also follow with “This sucks.. it really really sucks, but it was a mistake on my part and I can’t change it. Bosses slip up sometimes, and I am a Boss so I must shake it off”

 AND WAHLAH. A little self-pep-talk is all I needed.

True Story by the way, this happened 2 weeks ago.

It’s okay to talk to yourself people and to answer yourself too. Just don’t caught doing it.

It helps keep me level headed. I wouldn’t lie to you, but again don’t get caught.

Last week a good friend of mine sent me a website where I could write a letter to my future self and receive it up to 5 years later from the day I wrote it. I chose to write one to my 23 almost 24-year-old self (a year from now). My birthday is June 26th so I will receive my letter a few months before my birthday day.

I thought it would be cool to see how much I would have grown from now. Basically I snitched on myself. I told myself the things I was doing and thinking at the moment. I told my older self the mental space I am currently in. I asked myself was I still there, in that same space.

While I am here today…I pray that when my letter reaches me, I will be somewhere else. Somewhere better than here.

Even though here is pretty great.

Where am I?

I am here, but not for long.

Where are you?

“City and State please.

…. No, your mental state my love?”

Until next time beautiful beings #keepgoing

-Courtney B.

Think Light & Take Flight

If I could be a type of painting, I would be a simple line painting. I imagine I would have a combination of a few colors staging my background, there being one bold color to make my focal point pop.

Line paintings for me evoke a command to be still, to observe, and to feel.

They draw the viewer in closer to inspect if they are seeing what the artist intended for them to see.

It gives the observer a chance to possibly see themselves.

Growing up I wanted to be every unreserved professional you can think of. I talking: an actor, a professional race car driver, a professional boxer, a professional ice skater, a safarian, a circus acrobat, and an overall artist.

Now while some in the listing still hold true, it’s safe to say I’ve laid majority of them to rest.

Did you notice ‘professional’ was placed in front of almost every profession listed. That was purposeful, and I realize that now even if I didn’t back then.

I desired to be great and I mean skilled, phenomenal, and efficient at everything that I did. I didn’t want to be entertaining just for my family and friends I wanted to change lives, inspire and motivate while getting paid to do so. IN MOVIES.

That’s totally normal, right?

 I did not imagine speeding on the highway getting tickets for reckless driving but I wanted to win races, the ones even the police came to watch and paid a fee at the gate to do so!

I wanted to have fun, not to mention (clearly mentioning) a career is long term adventure and no matter how unconventional or unrealistic it seemed to others… it had to be possible. There WERE/ ARE professional race car drivers, professional boxers, professional ice-skaters and all the rest of them.

I guess the only difference in our approach was they (the unbelievers) thought “How you?, Why you?, Girl get a degree for a real job?”

I thought “why not me”. I wanted to be one those professionals and I really believed I could.

Isn’t that just like life though? Can you think of a moment in your life where you desired to do something or had an idea that everyone thought was outlandish?

Or my absolute favorite… (outside of one just being supportive and having faith) the non-reassuring head nod and fake smile that says, “you’re dreaming but I won’t crush your dreams by saying so”

I use to carry the weight of feeling as if everyone had dropped me, failed me in numerous ways, and simply didn’t believe in me. Until I did some soul searching and came to the understanding that none of those things were true. Sometimes we as normal human beings throw ourselves a little pity party, disregarding the facts and off put taking responsibility for where we failed ourselves.

Because it’s easier to blame someone else.

It’s easier to tell a person where they went wrong than it is to administer self-correction.

It’s easier to state what it looks like than it is to dig deeper, find the root and face it.

Fact is: it’s natural for one to be apprehensive, unbelieving, or disinterested in an idea or thought that they have never heard of or known someone successful with such notions.

Really think about this thing. Does anything come to mind that someone has tried to get you interested in and because it was foreign, you rejected?

Now for taking responsibility, while slowly my hurt from my family and friends began seep into my confidence, I allowed it to happen.

Greatness is something that is personal and the definition of such can vary from person to person.

It is your job and your job only to believe in yourself and make sure you are put in places where others have no choice but to believe in you too. The flip side to this picture is that if you fail, which often happens a multitude of times prior to taking off, it is also your job to pick yourself back up. If you are fortunate enough, you may have a group of people, family, friends, or all three who are waiting to dust you off but if not… again this is personal. #keepgoing!

Great things never come from comfort zones. To be in a space where the people you love can’t see what you see for your future is extremely uncomfortable, but you have to push past that feeling and lock in to what you believe is yours.

You have to lay with you at night. So my advice, is do not stop until YOU are proud.

Earlier I said I had laid the desire for some of the professions listed to rest. All except for two with a few modifications.

It is still my goal to become an actor, and because of this on the 21st of July, 2019 I (more so a homeboy of mine whom I am forever grateful for) packed up all of my belongings in a UHAL truck and I relocated to Atlanta Georgia. I contemplated the move for about 4 months and made my final decision 3 weeks before I moved into my first apartment alone.

8 hours away from my home town.

The other profession I have turned into a hobby, and taken away the ice. Haha

I am in the process of purchasing quad roller-skates. For years I have been in awe at how people danced with skates on and did so, so effortlessly. They literally look as if they are flying and dancing in the air… at the same time.

My goal is to embody roll-bounce vibes, so stay tuned. I may post a video of the beginning stages.

Moving to Atlanta by lonesome without any family was a huge risk, some may say.

But for me, it was a game changer. I knew I needed a change of scenery and energy to not let this dream of mine die. As for skating, many people have told me, since I didn’t learn when I was younger I should just leave it alone but I think my 22-year-old bones can take it! I will not allow them to place limitations on me, that they have placed on themselves.

As I get older, I pray my spirit stays child-like. Fearless and curious.

If I were to write a short letter to my Future Self possibly 63-year-old me, it would say “Be child-like and light in your mind and on your feet. Jump to what you desire to do without being weighed down by the pressures of others.

I believe sometimes we make things harder than it has to be, the crazy part about it is once we realize that part, we’ve done the hard part.

“What if I fall?

Oh, but darling,

What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson and Winnie Pooh

My challenge to you this week is to think simple and light, like a line painting.

Until next time Beautiful Beings

-Courtney B.

SIsters, How y’all feel? Brothers, y’all alright?

Hello beautiful beings! 

              I hope this message finds you well and in high spirits. I have been weirdly in an extremely joyful mood! Literally every day that I wake up I feel how we all feel when we finally get that perfect lighting for a photo and actually capture the perfect image, or how ecstatic we get when our absolute favorite show is FINALLY coming out with another season and it airs on Netflix sooner than we expected.

I’m not exactly sure if it has to do with “The Book of JOY” I am reading, by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, but I am in a state of peace and I feel immensely blessed just thinking about it because I know everyone cannot state the same. However, if you are reading this post you are already covered in my prayers for peace, reassurance, and love from HIM that is higher than us, to overtake you.

              One thing that I have found helps shift the mind and over all being into the direction of gratefulness is to make a Grateful List. No matter how small or how silly you may think it is… Write it down. At least 4 things.

My list for this week:

1. sunlight and the warmth it shares

2. a sweet tangerine

3. clear sticky tab flags (for marking my book when reading!)

4. having no hangnails (Thank ya Lawd)

*Shifts* While everyone seems to be concerned with what others are doing to fill their time… What I really want to know is what everyone is doing to fill their bellies!

Before this whole COVID-19 quarantine took place, I was faithfully going to the gym 3-4 times a week and eating a substantial amount to compliment my gains and build muscle. 

My workout world has been turned upside down because the act of going to an actual gym motivated me a great deal. It’s my assumption that a lot of people are eating out of boredom. Me, Ms. Individuality over-here, is doing the complete opposite! I think I’ve gone into survival mode, eating only twice a day, if that (I know, I know, not the healthiest but this is me being honest). 

However, I have made the meals I do eat count! In the morning I like to eat something a little light: a bowl of oatmeal with a banana, peanut butter and honey on the side does the trick. Or I’ll have an avocado (or two) with Everything Bagel Seasoning sprinkled on top accompanied by a large glass of water!

I’ve found that not many people are huge fans of avocados because of the texture, color or even mild smooth taste. I’ve also found that adding salt and pepper makes a world of difference. If it happens to be too soft for your liking, eat it when it’s a bit firmer to the touch. 

While avocados are green they are actually considered a fruit. Most fruit consists primarily of carbohydrates, avocado is high in healthy fats and loaded with fiber. Some benefits of this fruit include: rich with antioxidants that protect the eyes, helps prevent cancer, inhibits fungal infections, helps lower cholesterol and prevent heart disease. I’m sure with more research you can find a benefit this fruit can prove for you.  

Whewh, okay getting back on track…

I snack throughout the middle of the day mostly on nonsense so you can feel free to be creative during this time. Create a new mid-day snack and share it with me! See how this relationship works? I give, you give… reciprocity.  

When it comes to dinner, CeeMarita’s got you covered! This week I kept it strictly vegetarian with my meals:

Meal No.1 – Veggie Pot Pie

Before you turn up your nose, this is a very delicious meal, colorful and under $10! Assuming you already have the seasonings.

So all you need for this yummy tummy filler is 

  • 2 cups of mixed vegetables for a 9X9 inch pan that can go in the oven (Glass is fine too)

Vegetables include: corn, green beans, peas, carrots and broccoli

  • 3 cans of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
  • a quarter of chopped onion
  • 1 can of cream of mushroom
  • 1 can of cream of cream of celery
  • 1 can of cream of potato
  • 2 tbs. of butter
  • Salt/pepper

Optional 

  • Thyme
  • Seasoning salt
  • Italian seasoning 
  • Garlic powder
  • 3 tbs. of White cooking wine

Now for the magic: 

  1. Pre-heat the oven to 390 degrees 
    1. Whynot 350? Because Whynot 390? Live a little, 390 degrees it is. 
    2. Grab a large non-stick skillet and toss in the 1 tbs. of butter along with all of the vegetables over medium heat. Add in all of your desired seasoning (for the record I used everything I listed above)
    3. If the vegetables are frozen place a cover on top for about a minute to ensure everything is thawed out
  2. While that’s on the stove heat up the leftover teaspoon of butter in the microwave.
    1. Use a small portion of the butter to grease inside the 9×9 pan 
  3. Unroll 1 can of crescent rolls,  layer it and press into the bottom and up the sides of pan (it’s okay if it don’t go all the way to the top of the pan.)
  4. Once the vegetables are fragrant and the butter has seemed to evaporate pour in the cream of mushroom, cream of celery, and the cream of potato. Allow it to simmer/cook for 2 minutes and then pour vegetable mixture into pan evenly 
  5. Unroll leftover crescent rolls and place over top of veggie mixture and press into sides of pan sealing mixture in the middle. Bake on bottom rack for 30 mins until golden brown.
  6. Once 30 minutes are up, remove from oven, use the remaining portion of better to brush on top of your now completely finished vegetarian potpie!

IF YOU SO HAPPPPPPEN TO BE A MEAT LOVER, I love you all the same. Yeah, of course I do, so you can add in your meat of choice if you SO desire.

*You would cut up and cook your meat separately all the way through and then add it into the vegetable mixture, all other instructions remain the same.

I hope you all enjoy this quick fun meal. It is one of my favorite gems in the sack that I love to revisit every few months. Remember, this is all an experience we are going through together so if you have any suggestions on how to spice this meal up I am all ears. Never had potpie? Well here is the perfect chance to try it out, only $10, the best thing that could happen is…. You gain a new recipe. Are you a good cook? What quick cost efficient meals are you eating during this pandemic, How healthy or unhealthy are you eating during this time?

OH and you thought I forgot….absolutely not. Drop that 4 point Grateful List in the comments. I WANNA SEE THEM ALL, lol.

#Keepgoing Until Next time. 🥑 –Courtney B. 

Who Am I?…Courtney

Hello beautiful beings my name is Courtney B, also known as Ceemarita on other social platforms and referred to as Court or Coco on the daily bases. Feel free to use whichever resonates most with you when engaging with me. My reason for engulfing you with my most inner thoughts (oouu scary), ideas (mmm then you may steal them), recollections (prophetic is she?), and experimental natural findings is to share with you my daily walk in discovering my individuality.

      What exactly do you mean by discovering your individuality?

Well I’m glad you asked. I believe that as human beings inevitably we change every day, with that said sometimes life moves so fast that we lose track of when we as individuals began to evolve.

I know personally almost every 4 months my favorite color changes, currently it is doo-doo green!

Because we are ever changing and adapting to what life presents us, we must constantly learn the new version of ourselves and flow in it un-shamelessly…throwing out the characteristics and habits that do not compliment who we desire to be. We choose! We always choose.

At this very moment I am choosing to eat a tad bit cleaner than most. For the past two years I have been a pescatarian (one who does not eat meat but does eat fish). I am choosing to workout at least 3 times a week, and on the other days engage in some YouTube yoga! I am choosing to do away with as much plastic products as possible, I am choosing to focus on healthy meaningful relationships with those I love, and to not go on a rant and wrap things up, I am choosing to do something new…. Share myself with you! So I sincerely thank you in advance for sharing your time with me in return and hopefully you can discover a part of you along the way!