This week has been a lot for me. A bunch of mixed emotions: at one moment my mood is lighthearted and idyllic; I’m sure of … not everything but a lot of things and the next I feel gloomy yet reflective and sure of nothing at all.

How does that saying go,  “I was good until I wasn’t.”

It amazes me sometimes how a person can affect my mood, and it only happens with those I let in . Some would suggest it’s the quarantine that has got me all in my feels but honestly this is just a “me” thing. As I said in my last post I can feel myself growing, I feel and see things shifting and though I haven’t fully grasped what is happening and what it all means I know it’s happening.

Imagine being in the middle of a tornado. Viewing it from the outside, it’s obvious that it’s a tornado but for those in the middle of it (unless you knew it was coming ) it just appears that everything is being tossed around, flipped, uprooted, and placed somewhere it does not belong.

There are some occurrences that we can control and nevertheless a multitude that we cannot. For an example, sufferings from natural disasters are something we cannot control. That pain is inevitable, but what about the sufferings from our daily disasters that we can?

“Sadly, many of the things that undermine our joy and happiness we create ourselves.” (The Book of Joy), and of this I am aware. I am aware that some of my gloominess is arising because of my failure to discipline my mind and deal with it in a less lethal manner so to speak, but for some reason(for the past two weeks) I’ve just been pretty lenient with myself. I have not put on my big girl draws or forced myself to hold in tears of frustration. I gave myself space to let my mind think about all of the things I push out on the day to day basis just to keep a poker face. I spent hours writing down my thoughts… the ones that shouldn’t be said out loud. I let myself do that because I am human and I needed to feel, even if it hurt.

I typically don’t read other blogs – you may be thinking how hypocritical, but the truth of the matter is I never knew blogging was a thing outside of being for those who travel, those who are foodies and those who own boutiques. Frankly, I’ve never stumbled across a blog or been sent an entry to read in order to open up my mind to the thought, so consider yourself more advanced than I! lol. However, I’ve read at least three blogs in the last month. My most recent was by a King that goes by the name of Petahjay on Instagram. He wrote a piece titled I am not okay but I hope you are.  Just by reading the title, I knew it was something my spirit needed. It was as if he were I and my feelings had jumped onto the screen I was reading.

Earlier that day I had been speaking with a friend and I said :

It was if my own, advice that I didn’t even know I needed, was being thrown at me and I burst into tears. The crazy part about it all, is that sometimes you know something is off but you yourself can’t put your finger on it. I feel, but I can’t explain what I’m feeling. I don’t know what I’m feeling.

This past Monday, May 25, 2020, George Floyd, a resident of Minneapolis and also a member of the African American community, was killed in Minneapolis by a Caucasian police officer. Since this horrific event riots have been taking place from state to state, one of those states being my very own: Georgia. Yesterday evening there were peaceful protests and later in the night rioting and looting began to take place. This too happens to be a subject that I’m not sure how I feel about. I do believe that we, my people, the black community are desperate for change and to do something is better than doing nothing at all. I believe that we don’t know what will work but we’re willing to try anything. I know that if you are drowning and dependent upon only yourself to survive and don’t at least try… you will surely die.

*Starts playing Lord Is Coming by H.E.R (feat YBN Cordae)

“History is not my brothers’ story

The original founders were buried in the ground

Where men have planted seeds of disease and they’ve justified being thieves

Feeding their inner demons, and blaming the minorities

It’s a World War III, corruption verses greed

Not you versus me” -H.E.R.

I am that girl who loves to listen to music loud and sing with every fiber of my being songs that are saturated with feelings. Whether happy or sad and I may not be going through it personally, I can feel their passion.

Here’s a list of songs that help me feel:

“I’m not okay” H.E.R.

“I apologize” Anita Baker

“Just the Two of Us” Grover Washington

“Speak” Jhené Aiko

“Ain’t Nobody” Chaka Khan

“Talk to Me” WhyNotHauch

“Yesterday Blues” (Remix) WhyNotDuce

“Gonna Love Me” Teyana Taylor

“Crazy Eyes” Alex Mali

“Still” Tamia

“Lord You Are Good” Todd Galberth

“I Need You Bad” Jasmine Sullivan

“Attention” Kiana Ledé

“Eternal Light” Free Nationals & Chronixx

“Nobody Like You Lord” Maranda Curtis

Until Next Time

-Courtney B.

One thought on “IDK

  1. Just breathe, when your feet hit the floor in the morning remind yourself to breathe. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving you owe it to yourself to laugh, cry, and give yourself permission to be selfish. Be still and listen to your inner voice.


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